When you make the decision to get married, you do so with the expectation that you and your partner will remain together forever. Regardless of this fact, 2.7 out of 1,000 people in the United States will get divorced.
Even when it is for the best, choosing to end a marriage can lead to divorce guilt. Here, learn about why divorce guilt occurs, and what you can do to cope.
Divorce guilt and shame in divorce: Why is it so common?
Guilt after divorce occurs for a number of reasons. When you decide to settle down and get married, there is an expectation of loyalty and devotion for the rest of your life. Choosing to separate leads to divorce guilt, because you have broken the promise of, “Til death do us part.”
If you want a divorce but feel guilty, it may be because you know that your partner will not want a divorce. You may have guilt over ending the marriage because your feelings have changed, and you know your partner will be devastated.
Feeling guilty for wanting divorce can also come from concern you have for your children. Even if things at home aren’t great, most people know that a divorce is a significant disruption in a child’s life.
You may also be struggling with getting over the guilt of cheating if your divorce is a result of infidelity. Having an affair is considered such a major taboo, and it is a violation of the trust in a marriage, which will result in you being labeled as the guilty party in the divorce.
Finally, divorce guilt about leaving may arise from religion. If you adhere strongly to traditional religious values, you are likely to see divorce as a sin. If you are religious and have found yourself wrapped up in a marriage-ending affair, your divorce guilt is likely to be especially strong.
The role of guilt in divorce
Couple having argument
In many instances, guilt plays a healthy role in divorce, and it is a normal reaction. If you find yourself asking, “Why do I feel guilty for moving on?”
it may be because you are simply a rational, kind person who has empathy and compassion for other people. Even if you wanted the divorce, you might feel some guilt over hurting your spouse, because you care for other people.
Guilt can also be somewhat of a learning experience. Maybe you are having difficulty coping after divorce because you have regret over something you did wrong. Perhaps you didn’t try hard enough to remedy issues in the marriage, or maybe you didn’t communicate well with your spouse.
Or, perhaps you had an affair that led to marriage breakdown. All of these things can teach you what not to do in the future, which ultimately helps you to learn how to have happier relationships moving forward.
Why do I feel guilt after divorce?
Divorce guilt can be challenging to cope with, and you might be asking yourself, “Why do I feel guilty after divorcing my husband or wife?”
Beyond the fact that you may be worried about your kids or sensitive to the reality of hurting your former spouse, you might simply be experiencing guilt as a normal human reaction.
When things don’t go as planned, or we have to break a promise, we tend to experience guilt when we think about what we could have done differently to change the outcome. In the case of cheating or serious financial difficulties, you may feel divorce guilt surrounding the role you played in the marriage ending.
Is it normal to have regret after divorce?
Sad woman crying
Not everyone experiences regret after divorce, but it is relatively common. A survey of over 2,000 adults found that 32% of them regretted their divorce. While this means that 68% did not regret getting a divorce, the truth is that nearly one-third did.
If you regret divorce years later, this likely isn’t the norm. The same survey found that 67% of people would rather be alone and happy than remain in an unhappy marriage.
This is good news, because it suggests that even if you initially have some divorce guilt and feelings of regret, you should be able to move on from these feelings, especially if your marriage was unhappy. Overcoming a divorce may take some time, but ultimately, you should be able to get past the initial regret.
On the other hand, in some cases, you may look back and regret getting divorced for quite some time, especially if you have guilt over the thought that maybe you could have done something differently to save the marriage.
Is your divorce guilt killing you?
While some feelings of divorce shame and regret may be normal, if you are not able to find healthy ways of dealing with divorce emotions, the guilt may start to consume you.
If you find yourself constantly ruminating over what went wrong in the marriage, or blaming yourself for the split, you may start to experience some significant psychological distress.
Maybe you just can’t stop thinking about what you’ve done to the children by ending your marriage, or maybe you toss and turn at night, worrying about what people think of you for having made the decision to end your marriage.
Whatever the case, when divorce guilt is long lasting and doesn’t seem to subside over time, it’s time to learn ways of coping after divorce.
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