1. Constant denial
Denial is the hallmark of the DARVO strategy. If someone denies their behavior any time you confront them about an issue, you are likely in a DARVO relationship. Phrases such as, “That never happened!” or “I never said that!” are common in DARVO gaslighting.
2. Deflection
Another common DARVO strategy is the use of deflection. The maltreatment can avoid taking accountability for their behavior if they take the focus off themselves and deflect it onto someone else, usually the victim.
This looks like in DARVO relationships: the victim will confront the offender about behavior, such as slapping the victim in the face, and the offender will say, “Just last week, you left your dirty dishes in the sink! You’re so lazy!” What has happened is that the offender is now making the victim feel as if they are the guilty one.
3. Minimizing their behavior
DARVO gaslighting often involves some degree of minimization. The perpetrator may admit that there was a fight or that they were physical toward their partner, but they will claim that the victim is “blowing things out of proportion.”
For example, if the perpetrator screams at their partner, calls her names, and damages property in the home, they may say, “It wasn’t a big deal. We just had a heated argument. That’s normal in relationships.”
Minimizing the behavior leads the victim to believe they were overreacting and that the maltreatment wasn’t as bad as they perceived it to be.
4. Seeming forgetful
Another gaslighting tactic used in DARVO relationships is claiming not to remember incidents of maltreatment .
The maltreatment may claim that they’ve been forgetful lately or make an excuse, such as being under too much stress to remember the details of a specific incident.
5. Diminishing your credibility
DARVO maltreatment will also gaslight their victims by attempting to diminish their credibility.
For instance, if you confront them about something they’ve done to hurt you, they may accuse you of being too sensitive or “always being on their case.”
If you tell others about the maltreatment bad behavior, they will likely tell people that you are crazy or somehow out to get them.
How DARVO affects relationships
Man screaming
As you might guess, DARVO harms relationships. After all, it is a form of maltreatment . Whether the maltreatment in a relationship is physical, s e x u a l, emotional, or financial, the DARVO relationship causes the victim to believe that the problems are their fault.
The maltreatment never takes accountability or corrects their bad behavior.
Ultimately, this behavior leads to unhealthy relationships, and the victim can suffer tremendously. The person who is a victim of DARVO gaslighting may suffer from symptoms of trauma, as well as other mental health conditions, such as panic, anxiety, or depression.
The victim may remain in a DARVO relationship because the maltreatment convinces them they do not deserve a better relationship or that no one else will want to be with them.
The victim’s self-esteem can also be so damaged by the maltreatment in the relationship that they feel powerless to take steps to leave.
Ultimately, the effects of being in a DARVO relationship are long-lasting. Even if a victim manages to leave the relationship, the trauma can follow them into their next relationship.
The victim may be fearful of trusting others and may even be hesitant to seek relationships in the future.
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