This is something I’ve heard my whole life. It’s not positive, It’s negative. I checked on the Internet to know if others are facing this problem too. This is how Gen Z finds solutions for everything, right? And surprisingly I saw a blog - “Are you always like this?” I was so enthusiastic to read it, to know their experience and how they overcame that. I clicked on the link but it was nothing like I thought it would be. Yeah, it was the opposite. She spoke about people asking about her energetic and dynamic personality. Jealous of her, disappointed that I have no one to listen to, I searched for more answers. I couldn’t find any. Maybe the answer is within me. I couldn’t search inside me. What if the answers are hurting? What if the answers come with so many other questions I can’t find solutions to in my entire life? What will be the future then? I was too scared.
But there’s something I can tell you. Stand in my shoes and walk in them for miles. Maybe you’ll get the answer. Maybe you'll wind up like me too afraid to find the answer.
I don’t get it. Why am I so messed up? I get that I had a crappy childhood. But is it the reason? Am I depressed? I mean yeah, Google says that I’m depressed. But still, Am I? Everything is so dull and I have no purpose for living. I want to get out of this box of fatigue and misery and finally be happy. I want to be happy and have fun but I can’t. Because no matter where I turn my head and eyes I can see a person who did hurt me and my brain can’t take it. Isn’t it human to avoid the places and people that hurt them before? I do think so. And that’s what I am doing. Dodging the people who hurt me is my full-time job now.
But I am not like this. I have so much to tell. I love to go to places. Meet new people and live my life full of adventure. But I can’t. I really can’t step out of my room even if I want to. I am always so irritated and angry because I don’t know what’s happening to me. I mean if I don’t know what’s happening to me what am I even supposed to know? I’m lost.
Nobody cares how I feel. Why? What is so special about the popular girls in the colleges? Their looks? I mean people always care about how they feel. I don’t care about their attention. But why do they have to hurt us? I am so sick of the world around me. I don’t know who they are. People who put on these masks depend on the people who are around them. Does anyone know them? Why don’t they show their real self? Some of them have changed. People whom I looked up to earlier change to something I don’t know. And I’ll never know them. I don’t want to know them. Because I know me. And I’m a kind and loyal person who tries to avoid anything and everything that hurts others. I don’t need them. I deserve better. Everyone deserves better.
I am struggling and I don’t have any help to get through this. I feel empty. I asked for help directly and indirectly. But they ditched me. What am I supposed to do? I’m relieved that I could finally understand who will be with me when I’m at my lowest. I don’t know if anyone can connect with this. I don’t want anyone to have these bad feelings. But if you do, know that you are not alone. And let me know that I’m not alone too. I’m growing each day to become a beautiful me. And for me, that’s all that matters.
I’m writing this blog because I’m lost. Writing helps me to exhale my worries through words. I don’t know if I am doing this right. Next time you ask someone “Are you always like this?” for being lost and empty, know that nobody wants that by choice. There’s a story behind that which maybe you’ll never understand.
You must be logged in to post a comment.