There are many factors involved in creating a romantic relationship. It really helps if two people have some things in common and how they like to spend their time together. It also helps if they have the same values around religion or spirituality, politics, nature, abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or they both eat healthy food. It makes things easier when both are clean or both are messy, when both are late or late. Physical attractiveness is also very important. It is good if they have common values about money and spending.
However, a couple can have all of these and not have a romantic relationship if one aspect is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all other good qualities will not be enough to make a relationship work.
This important ingredient is about purpose.
At any given moment, each of us is committed to one of two different purposes: control or learning. If our aim is to control, our deepest motive is to control finding love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When our goal is to learn, our deepest motive is to learn about love for ourselves and others.
Motivation for love rather than love can wreak havoc on relationships.
Let’s take a look at a typical relationship issue and see what happens with two different goals. Jason and Samantha feel emotionally distant from each other, and this has not been the case for months. The problem started when Samantha said she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Jason refused. Samantha was furious, Jason agreed, and they had been apart ever since.
Samantha's goal was to control her getting what she wanted. He equates an expensive holiday with love - if Jason does this for him, then he proves his love for her. He used his anger as a means of control to get what he wanted. You want to control a special feeling for Jason.
Jason's goal is to avoid pain. He offered to control Samantha, not to get angry with her. She hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, you will see her as a good and loving husband.
However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other rather than loving each other, their cooperation created an emotional void.
What would this be like if their goal was to learn?
If Samantha's goal was to learn, she wouldn't be so upset. Instead, he would want to understand Jason's opposition. If Jason's goal was to learn, he would not have to give up. Instead, he would want to understand why this holiday is so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would care for themselves and each other, rather than seek love or avoid pain. In each case, they have seized it, despite obstacles we can scarcely imagine. Instead of Samantha appearing to win and Jason losing, they would come up with something they could both live with. Examining some of his financial fears, Jason may have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted would be fine. Understanding Jason's financial concerns, Samantha probably decided to go on a less expensive vacation. In either case, both would feel comfortable with the result.
No matter how similar Jason and Samantha may be or how attractive they are, their love for each other will diminish when their purpose is to control rather than to learn. It is amazing how quickly a love affair disappears when one or both partners have the intention of controlling it. It is equally astonishing how fast it comes back when both partners are intent on learning.
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