Waiting is the hardest part
As for Sir Elton John, waiting is harder than sorry. Prolaris received a request to test my cancer cells on December 14. I called today to see where they stood on the program, and I found out they had found the cells themselves on the 23rd. So, I should hear something next week, the first week of January.
I'm not ready to wait.
But I will do it; You must. In the meantime, I have been faithfully filling out applications for a certain type of work. In fact, I do this to fulfill my obligations to find some kind of unemployment that will keep us busy for now. I don’t expect to get a job, because of my condition, but I play the game with rules as usual.
As a fool, I still play by the rules.
But I have little thoughts, angry thoughts now. My unemployment was rejected by the state because Freehouse was fighting it. I actually have them in the video saying they want to get out of the employee business, they have emails saying they are going with a foreign management company, and they are denying it. Omame.
I contacted a lawyer for help, but who knows if this will really make a difference. All I know is that as I struggle to keep my son in high school to succeed, my wife has two hours left and we can't be together. I have no income, and I have no real opportunity at work that could include my cancer treatment and weekends at home for my wife. If I go to him, our son misses out on finishing school where he needs to. If I don’t, the best I can do is find something that will prevent me from seeing him on the weekends more than is possible. And most of all, we lose our place at the end of March. Then, I will be driving her 60 miles [100 km] every day to and from school to finish her final weeks.
The internet knows everything
My wife and I continue to look online to learn more about what to expect, what can be done, what may not happen. I looked for ways to reduce the size of my prostate and learned that all the foods I love should not be eaten, and that all I could stand for was eating them. Good, just fine. No red meat, no black tea, no processed foods, no sugar, no dairy products. Raw vegetables, fruits and the like are a ticket so they say, but who knows hell?
I have problems with my prostate that may or may not be linked to cancer there. I feel pain, more often than not, down there. Mild, moderate pain that strikes me several times a day. And sometimes when I have a bowel movement, a sharp pain appears in the back of my abdomen. It only takes a moment, but I wonder: what is the cause of that? I looked at the normal size of the prostate in a man my age and learned that it is between 30's mL. Mine is approaching 80. It is more than double the size it should have.
So, hell, I can still get it out even if my cancer is not a life-threatening injury! With one expert I’ve talked to, some people have a big nose; I am blessed with a growing prostate. Aren't I lucky !?
Waiting, waiting, waiting
Another week of waiting, maybe more. On January 6 they said. I have an appointment with SSA on the 11th to discuss what I have learned and decide whether I will take Social Security early, or maybe try to become disabled. I also have to decide what process I will have, if any. When will it be, now or summer? Can he wait until then? If not, who is responsible for our son while I am in bed?
God, I am so angry, scared, confused, depressed. So many emotions come up at once and I don’t know how to deal with it. I called the therapist last week to make an appointment with her. After explaining the situation, they wanted me to call for an hour and that night I would talk to someone in person! After I got off the phone with them and my wife I felt like they were going to tie me up when I came out! If it was obvious how much I was hit right now, and they felt so much stronger about my meeting at the time, that scared me even more.
Cancel me; I would not take the opportunity to commit a few days before Christmas. I have another appointment for next week now.
I have been hurt, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I can ignore it for a while but it comes back, always. I do not really deal with this situation, and it is associated with the loss of my job, finances, distance with my wife, and other worries I currently have.
Good and bad days
I have good days, and bad days, in dealing with all this. Christmas was great, as we had our five children together, along with four other important people and two grandchildren! Most of the time I was holding on to one or the other, moving them and just drowning in their presence. Sometimes I had both at the same time!
Today there have been good times and bad times. Climbing when I go out and work on my small boat, I reset the rear seat and it is bad when I feel my inactivity is denied. Like a cold yo-yo, I go up and down, up and down, almost every bad day.
I want to end this. I long for a calm life, of knowing what's coming next, of being in the same home again. To have some kind of work I can do, I can no longer expect much, I am no longer trying to enrich the lives of those who did not care. Maybe driving the first bus or something like that. I love young children, and I really enjoy helping them.
But until I know more about this cancer and decide on a plan to take, I am stuck in this ridiculous world of not knowing what’s next. One more week; that's all I need, just one more week. Then maybe, something will be clear in some way.
It is possible.
This content is accurate and accurate according to the author's best knowledge and is not intended to represent any legal or personal advice from a qualified professional.
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