We want someone to comfort us, save us, give us peace ... All our strategic impulse is kindness. What drives us to get in and drive through the jungle and wilderness of wilderness relationship? We usually say that it is because we love the other person. As a psychotherapist, what I have seen is that it is a fundamental need to be loved and, at the same time, a fear of abandonment and death. At the core of our animal/human nature, there is great fragility. This fragility gives us an unfathomable desire for security and love. We enter into a relationship with this wish, and on a deep level, we hope that our partner will fulfill it. This condition is the basis of all the mischief and trouble that we find ourselves in during the course of our participation. In discussing primary need and fear, it is essential to distinguish our animal and human nature from our Ultimate nature.
Our most essential or ultimate nature is infinite, complete, dazzlingly perfect, and innately filled with love. To the extent or on the occasion that we genuinely separate ourselves from our deeply ingrained animal and human sense of being an individual self, we will be free from fear, desire, and therefore conflict. We live in a world of non-duality, of Bubar's unconditioned I-You. However, rarely, if ever, do most of us acknowledge and appreciate our supreme and universal divine nature. Instead, at the deepest level, deep in our bones, we experience ourselves as mere specks in the universe, bubbles that can burst and cease at any moment. Furthermore, human beings and perhaps all warm-blooded creatures seem to have an inherent need to be held,
appreciated, accepted, respected, and valued. Then we hold on to everything we can, especially a life partner, like a life raft. While existential fear and need are twin inputs that we all receive at birth, we also carry varying degrees of fear and desire for the limitations and behavior of our guardians during our childhood. All children experience varying amounts of disapproval, rejection, or abandonment. And many of us even experience covert or even overt death threats. These fears color the fabric of our lives, creating an underlying feeling that we are not safe. At the same time, we all know some degree of broken love promises. It is often out of reach during our childhood, creating an underlying desire for that need to be. Met. Disapproval and rejection from parents or peers also produce another powerful result. Because children can't view their parents or peers objectively, to see that the anger, disapproval, or disappointment of a parent or a peer is related to the parents' limitations and not their own limitations, we generally process any negative.
Parental experience as a message of our own unworthiness. When a parent or a partner ridicules us for crying, he abandons us when we get angry or embarrasses us when we get sexual; we assume that our natural tendencies are bad, that we are bad. When we are verbally or physically abused by a parent or partner, we learn two profound lessons: first, that since even our protectors or the community are willing to harm us, we will find no safety anywhere; And secondly, if these important figures mistreat us, it must mean that we are worth nothing. Parents and peers are a mirror to the child, even if it is distorted. The way out of this is to make your sensitivities aware and accept them as part of you. This will make situations less overwhelming when they do happen, which inevitably will. Our partners are not perfect and will likely unleash us many, many times in a relationship. When you take responsibility for your triggers, you can talk about them differently with your partner. When they understand why you react the way you do, they may become more empathetic to your experiences and be a healing presence for you, rather than an experience that hurts you again. If you search deep enough for the source of any
The psychological difficulty, be it low self-esteem, insecurity, anger, anxiety, depression, or relationship problems: you will find the same root cause: the absence of sufficient love and security. This creates our neediness, defensiveness, anger, and mistrust wherever we go. Without a foundation of love and security, our body and psyche remain in a state of trauma. As we grow into adults, regardless of how successful we are, We continue to see the parts of children in need, vulnerable, and ourselves as useless or undesirable, making it practically impossible to turn around and love those parts. Therefore, we seek outward love, security, and approval with the same determination to seek nutrients for our bodies. This becomes the force im
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