The formation of a romantic relationship is influenced by a variety of factors. Of course, it helps if two people share some interests in how they like to spend their free time. It also helps if they share the same beliefs regarding politics, the environment, abortion, religion or spirituality, and personal development. It is advantageous if they both eat fast food or organic food. It helps if both parties are organised or disorganised, both arrive on time or both arrive late. Physical attractiveness plays a significant role as well. If they share the same beliefs regarding money and spending, it is fantastic.
However, if one of them is lacking, a couple may possess all of these qualities but still not be in a loving relationship. All the other excellent qualities won't be enough to make the relationship thrive without this vital element.
It's all about intention with this crucial component.
Each of us has just one of the two intentions—to learn or to control—at any one time. Our primary driving forces while trying to exert control are to feel protected, receive love, and avoid pain. When we set out to learn, our main motivation is to become more loving toward both ourselves and others.
When someone is focused only on receiving love rather than giving it, it can ruin a relationship.
Let's consider a common relationship problem and observe what happens in response to the two different intentions. They haven't had a passionate kiss in a month, and Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from one another. When Samantha said she wanted to take a pricey vacation, Jason disagreed, which is when the issue arose. Jason caved in to Samantha's demands after she became angry, and they haven't spoken since.
Samantha wanted to be in charge of achieving what she wanted. She believes that taking a lavish vacation is a sign of love, and if Jason does it for her, he has proven his love for her. She controlled how she got what she wanted by using her wrath. She desires control over Jason making her feel special.
Jason wants to stay away from stress. To exert control over Samantha's lack of resentment toward him, he gave up himself. By providing Samantha what she wants, he thinks that she would perceive him as a kind and caring spouse.
However, the connection between Jason and Samantha produced emotional distance since both of them were attempting to control one other rather than being loving to themselves and each other.
What would have happened if they had intended to learn from this?
Samantha wouldn't have gotten upset if her goal had been to educate herself. She would have preferred to comprehend Jason's concerns. Jason would not have given himself up if his goal had been to learn. He would have preferred to comprehend the significance of Samantha's unique vacation. Instead of seeking to find love or stay away from pain, Samantha and Jason would have both been concerned with taking care of themselves and each other. They would have discovered what they needed to know - about themselves and each other - in their mutual examination of the reasons behind why they each felt the way they did, allowing them to come to a win-win conclusion. They would have come up with a solution that they could both agree on. Jason might have come to the conclusion that the vacation Samantha wanted would be acceptable after exploring his financial concerns. Samantha might have chosen a less expensive holiday if she had known Jason's financial worries. Both of them would have been satisfied with the result in either scenario.
No matter how much Jason and Samantha resemble one another or are drawn to one another, their love will wane if they prefer to dominate others rather than to let them grow. Amazingly, when one or both spouses have the desire to control, love disappears so swiftly. The speed at which it returns when both partners are motivated to learn is equally astounding.
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