What is Love and War?

On the 18th of October 2013, I had my first kiss with a man who took me to meet him in a hotel room. We kissed for about five minutes as we walked down the street in New York City (where he resides). After this meeting, he introduced himself to me by name and asked me if I’d like to dance. I agreed to go out with him because it was his birthday and he wanted to celebrate it by having an evening dance party. However, when I stepped outside the hotel I did a double take in shock and embarrassment at how much I looked like a stripper. Immediately I ran home. It only took thirty seconds of looking back and forth to realize that I had left my outfit in there. My hair was slicked out and I was wearing nothing but a red shirt and pants. Then my friends, my family members, the security guards and my mother were all asking questions like “Did you wash your face? Were you eating anything else?” I could tell they thought I had some sort of a sinning problem and possibly passed or something along the way. When I finished apologizing, they hugged me and told me not to worry because they loved me. The next day after school I went to visit my parents so as they didn’t know how beautiful and nice my clothes were. This time my auntie came up with some excuses about why I needed to shower myself, so I did. I went straight downstairs with my mom because no one could see me without being seen. Once I reached the breakfast table, I ate what little food was left on the plate with only a couple of slices of toast. Another person was sitting down at the table next to me so naturally, I got up to sit beside them too. They asked me my name, gave me their phone numbers to contact them later and let me have their attention. As they talked they kept on saying words such as “you look great and “your skin is flawless”. Their conversation became deeper and clearer until suddenly they started talking about war. That was when the war talk stopped and I realized where I sat on the age spectrum. At twenty years old, I believed that I was going to be a professional fighter pilot with a twin-engine bomber plane. I was also trying to save people’s lives in case of war during our daily conversations and had even saved someone before in the military. Then when everyone else was laughing and enjoying themselves, I started thinking about what my father would have thought of me for doing this. Instead of going to law school, I got into the Air Force instead. He was always giving me advice, telling me what to do, and telling me what to believe. In high school, he pushed me to get married and have children. When he died, my mother did everything she could to show me how much she loved and cared about me. She always said things like “I love you more than life itself” and that she wasn’t going to leave me or my dad for a man who had a different lifestyle than me. Now that I am eighteen, and living with a new man, my mother still tries to convince me to stay married. One thing I did was that I broke it off with my boyfriend and moved into his apartment. Now we live together and are working on getting a house together. Her attempts all end when she tells me that he cheated on her, which of course I did not admit and didn’t mean anything about it. I believe the reason for my break-up was a misunderstanding of who I really was and who he was. So now I am single and happy in a relationship without a ring or marriage, with the same guy I was dating from middle school- high school. We both have families because I get to work with my parents and he has his mother. Also, we both have jobs. Being single has its benefits because I have time to grow as a person. We both have an amazing relationship because we care about each other but at times my mother makes sure to push me away. My boyfriend doesn’t care about my feelings that much. Sometimes I wonder why he does because he never really likes me anymore. Although it would probably change if he had a baby, I don’t think it will. So no matter what happens between us, I am okay.