The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration where friends and families come together to share food, fun, gifts and love. They are meant to be a time of giving, caring and connection, celebrating important and meaningful events.
So why are they often so stressful, and what can we do to make them more fun and peaceful?
Changing the holiday season from stressful to peaceful depends on one thing: Your intention is what is most important to you in a particular moment or situation.
At any given moment, we are always in one of two intentions. Simply put, it's more important to you at any given moment:
1) Be loving to yourself and others, or
2) Get love and approval
Your intention determines your behavior and your feelings. Let's take an example.
Peggy is married with two children. Peggy grew up in a family where she was trained to define her self-worth through the approval of others—that is, Peggy believes that if others appreciate what she does, she's okay, but if they don't, then she's unworthy and unloved. Therefore, Peggy's almost constant goal is to gain love and approval. He does this by trying to do everything perfectly – the house has to be perfect, the food has to be perfect, he has to get everyone the perfect gifts. She believes that if everything is perfect, she can control how others feel about her and get the approval she thinks she needs to feel worthy.
The problem is that trying to do everything perfectly creates a lot of stress. Whatever means we use—whether perfectionism, compliance, anger, or blame—we will always be stressed when the intention is to be in control of gaining love and approval.
Not knowing how to define her own worth, Peggy feels empty inside until she receives approval. Once he gets approval, he feels a moment of fullness that quickly fades and then needs to be refilled with more approval. Others around her sense her craving for approval and may also feel stressed when faced with it. They may like what he does for them, but they may not feel loved by what he gives to gain their approval.
Sophia is also married with children. Sophia also grew up believing that her worth was based on the approval of others. However, Sophia has done enough inner emotional and spiritual work to learn to define her own worth. Because she is no longer dependent on the approval of others to define her worth, she is free to express herself in ways that are loving to herself and others. Rather than worry about what anyone thinks of her, Sophia happily decorates, cooks and buys gifts because she finds it fun. For Sophia, the holidays are an opportunity to express yourself and your love for others. Because she defines and expresses her own worth, she feels full inside. Approval may be the icing on the cake, but it's not the cake itself.
Because Sophia gets such joy from expressing herself and giving to others without needing anything in return to feel worthy, others feel loved by her giving. While others may be stressed if they are giving to gain approval, Sophia herself remains calm and joyful.
We all have a choice every moment to decide who we want to be - a person who strives to be in control of receiving love and appreciation, or a person who gives love to herself and others. Who we choose to be determines how we feel. If our intention is to gain love and approval, then we may think that others determine our feelings, but it is really our own intention that is responsible for how we end up feeling.
Why not start noticing your intention now, before the holidays? Why not open up now to give yourself—the child in you—the approval it needs to feel worthy? If you start exercising today with the intention of loving yourself and others, maybe you can have a really good time by the time the holidays come around!
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