There are numerous factors that go into creating a loving relationship. Clearly, it helps if two people have some effects in common regarding how they like to spend their time. It also helps if they've common values around religion or church, around politics, the environment, revocation, and particular growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food. It makes effects easier if both are near or both are messy, if both are on time people or both are late people. Physical magnet is also relatively important. It’s great if they've common values around money and spending.
Yet, a couple can have all of these and still not have a loving relationship if one element is missing. Without this essential component, all the other awful attributes won't be enough to make the relationship work.
This essential component is about intention.
At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions, to control or to learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest provocation is to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When our intention is to learn, our deepest provocation is to learn about being loving to ourselves and others.
The provocation to get love rather than be loving can produce annihilation within a relationship.
Let’s look at a typical relationship issue and see what happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other, and they haven’t made love in a month. The problem started when Samantha stated that she wanted to take a precious holiday and Jason expostulated. Samantha got angry, Jason gave in, and they've been distant ever ago.
Samantha’s intention was to have control over getting what she wanted. She equates a precious holiday with love – if Jason does this for her, also he proves his love for her. She used her anger as a way to have control over getting what she wants. She wants control over feeling special to Jason.
Jason’s intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to have control over Samantha not being angry with him. He hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she'll see him as a good and loving hubby.
Still, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other rather than be loving to themselves and each other, their interaction created emotional distance.
What would this have looked like if their intention had been to learn?
Still, she'd not have come angry, If Samantha’s intent had been to learn. Rather, she'd have wanted to understand Jason’s objections. However, he'd not have given himself up, If Jason’s intention had been to learn. Rather, he'd have wanted to understand why this particular holiday was so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would have been minding about themselves and each other, rather than wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their collective disquisition about why they each felt the way they did, they would have learned what they demanded to learn – about themselves and each other – to reach a palm-palm resolution. Rather than Samantha presumably winning and Jason losing, they would have come up with a commodity both of them could live with. With some disquisition of his financial fears, Jason might have decided that the holiday Samantha wanted would be fine. With an understanding of Jason’s financial concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less precious holiday. In either case, both of them would have felt fine about the outgrowth.
No matter how important Jason and Samantha have in common or are attracted to each other, their love will dwindle when their intent is to control rather than learn. It’s amazing how snappily love vanishes when one or both mates have the intent to control it. It’s equivalently amazing how fast it comes back when both mates have the intent to learn.
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