Don’t Obsess
So you just need to think about yourself all the time, right? Nope. That won’t automatically lead to deeper knowledge. In fact, if you aren’t careful about how you reflect on your life, you might end up unhappier than when you began. Studies show people who spend more time in introspection “tend to have more anxiety, less positive social experiences, and more negative attitudes about themselves.” Why is that? They’re doing it wrong.
Don’t Ask the Wrong Questions
When we engage in introspection, we too often start by asking why questions. It might be as simple as, “Why do I feel this way?” We search for the reasons underlying our discontent. On the surface, it makes sense, but it can lead to misery. That’s because when we ask why, our brain points toward the most obvious answer. We usually land on the one that confirms our pre-existing beliefs. That is because most of our motives are beyond our conscious awareness. It takes more than ruminating to bring root causes to the surface. We tend to turn to answers that feel true at the moment. Unfortunately, these easy answers are frequently dead wrong.
For example, if you lose your temper at a coworker, you might think, “I just can’t work with her. She really rubs me the wrong way.” But the real reason you snapped might be that you’re anxious about an upcoming performance review.
That’s why asking, asking why questions is the wrong kind of self reflection. It can lead you to see relationships between two things that do not exist, or to overestimate the degree to which two things are related to each other. This is a cognitive bias called illusory correlation.
Here’s another example: let’s say you submit a proposal at work. One of the members of the evaluation committee sat on the previous committee that judged one of your ideas, and he rejected it. All of a sudden, you are sure your current proposal will fail. Why? Because you believe that person had something to do with your recent defeat, even though you don’t have any evidence to back this up. This kind of thinking only serves to damage your perception of fairness at work.
Why questions can cause you to obsess over your problems. They lead to greater anxiety and symptoms of depression.
Ask the Right Self Reflection Question
Instead of asking why questions, you need to ask questions that will help you focus on solutions or goals. That’s why you should try asking what questions. Ask questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” rather than, “Why do I feel so terrible?” This kind of thinking can help you to name your emotions, which has been shown to reduce negative feelings and attitudes.
Also, avoid asking yourself a problem-centered question. Don’t ask, “What difficulty am I facing right now?” Instead, frame the question around a goal, as in, “What would I like my relationship with my boss to look like a month from now?” Coaches and counselors are learning that solution-focused questions make their clients feel good, whereas problem-focused questions make their clients feel less satisfied.
If you have a persistent problem on your mind, ask yourself questions that shift your focus to its possible solution. These could be as straightforward as, “What is one possible solution to this problem?” and then, “What is one way I could start to move toward creating this solution?”
Using solution-focused questions has two benefits:
It reveals potential answers to the problems
It increases your confidence in your ability to solve future dilemmas.
A feeling of agency and control affects your feeling of confidence, improves your self-worth, and increases the odds you’ll follow through on your intentions.
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