No matter who we are or what we do in life, most of us have children. And there are many theories surrounding parenting. Two things I have found are more important than anything else: teaching my children that everything except love, shelter, clothing, schooling and food is a right, not a right, and most importantly to adhere to them.
It is imperative that you comply with EVERYTHING starting at a very young age. Sounds easy, but it is very difficult to do. We are all caught up in our lives, frustrated or angry and intimidated by things we don’t understand, too tired to keep our word, or we don’t have the energy to get angry and beg. Besides, those little buggers are very good at begging for something, and they have a different way of melting your heart at the wrong time. How do we resist the urge to take risks? It's not easy! But having two boys, ages 13 and 15, I can tell you that it's getting worse. Because if you are not consistent at first, they learn that you will agree, that you do not follow and that if they wait long enough, beg or plead enough, you will agree. For example, I have been telling my older brother to increase his grades, or he will not be allowed to get his driver's license. He blew me up, but when he turned 15 1/2 (years of driving license in California) I refused to let him get it. He was down. He thought I was going to bend over, but I didn't. We will see if his marks improve now or not.
I did not get along very well with my boys when I was growing up. I tried, I tried hard, but I work full-time, I have health problems, I had my 30-year-old boys, and I was just exhausted! They know from experience, if I played well, I would go ahead and postpone my previous decisions about putting down, etc. Add to that the fact that I'm not at home part of the time they spend, because I work, I'm not. At home to force anything. This makes consistency very difficult. But it is possible. I also learned from my little one that I have to go overboard. He got into trouble for not doing his homework, so I did not tell him X-Box rights until he raised his grades, and I did not get points on his report card that said “missing assignments.” To keep that limit, I had to pick up an X-box console to work with me! Sounds extreme, but it was the only way I could apply my rule. He was very angry with me, but we all need to remember that we are their parents, not their friends. We are here to produce happy, dedicated citizens in our communities. I always tell my boys, "I'm not as worried about your happiness as I am about your safety." We as parents should set our priorities, and our children should be our first priority, not just our tiredness or anything else. I wish I had reminded myself that much when they were growing up.
My older brother came home with a marijuana pipe with his name on it recently, and I found out that he was also skipping school. Yes, I found every excuse in the book ... "It's not mine, I made it for a friend, and it broke, so I can fix it" etc. etc. blah blah blah. I went to buy a drug test and told him that if he did, I would kick him out of the house. His reply was, "OK, I'll go to Gama." My answer was, “Gama was a schoolteacher. Do you think he would allow a sarcastic student to stop using drugs in his home? Sounds difficult, but he has never done so since. I'm growing up, and I find myself getting more and more tired each year.
Read all the parental books you want, but I can tell you from experience that the great thing about having happy and well-behaved children is adhering to the rules, boundaries and rules. And the best thing about teaching them to respect things is to teach them the difference between rights and rights. If you follow that advice, you will have happy, well-behaved children. Let them express their thoughts if necessary, but be sure to do so respectfully. I'm not a babysitter, but it's better to say it with respect! Being honest with them will help you to teach them to respect you.
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