7 Assumptions in marriage life

To those of us who are still angling for a life partner, marriage often holds a certain magic, but is this state as blissful as it seems? Or we mistaken in many assumptions we make; what are some of the common controversies surrounding marriage?

Is marriage the ultimate solution?

Many of us believe that marriage is that final link in our lives that will give us a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

This may be true, but when we start placing what use to be personal responsibilities onto our partner, it can become a handicap to our individual growth. We begin to expect not just emotional support but a total magical answer to our self-confidence and poor self-esteem. Many feel strongly that marriage means added rather than reduced commitments. Getting married is very much like going into a partnership whereby we have to take care of ourselves and our spouse.

Our spouse may give moral and emotional support, but that will not solve problems resulting from a poor self-image. We all have to learn to love and believe in ourselves because, ultimately, we cannot hold anyone else responsible for that.

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Does more romance mean greater love?

Many of us have mistaken notions that a sustained romantic element means a more loving marriage. 

Romance may be exciting, but in reality, it just an unstable and surreal emotional state which does not allow us to view the target of our infatuation as anything other than the model of perfection. Each virtue is exaggerated a hundredfold, while flaws are blatantly ignored. 

“My fiance used to send me a little red rose every day,”; says Laura, an administrative officer in a multinational company. 

“I was the envy of my colleagues. When we finally started planning for marriage, these little flattering gestures gradually stopped, and he started to talk about budgeting. I guess we will all reach a stage when we have to be practical. It can be disappointing when you stop getting those daily roses, but that is life.”

As we move along the road of discovery, we start to see each other’s weaknesses, and that obsessive fascination grows less intense. This does not mean love is fading. Indeed, in its practicality, it often becomes more accepting and tolerant.

 Should a spouse be a mind reader?

One of the greatest thrills of courtship is, of course, the guessing but, if continued into marriage, it can become rather tiresome.

“When you are courting a lady, you have to use your intuition and a bit of imagination to guess what she wants. Of course, she often helps by dropping endless hints,” smiles Gorge, who owns a restaurant.

“Once that initial stage is over, we tend to rely on explicit requests rather than crack our heads over what our partner wants. Sadly, this is often interpreted as a poor sense of commitment and sensitivity.”

 It is unfair to assume that your spouse will constantly be aware of your ever-changing needs and emotions. Instead of playing Hide and Seek, we should express our feeling more openly.

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Does an honest relationship make for a happy marriage?

Openness and honesty in a marriage often mean better communication, but if carelessly worded or meted out without discretion, it can cause hurt and confusion.

“It feels good to be flattered, like having him say I look gorgeous even though my overindulgence in pralines has added some unsightly pounds around the waist,” says Luciana, a system administrator with an investment company. On the other hand, it is also important that he is truthful about serious matters, like having lost the family fortune or being prosecuted for fraud”. 

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Can everyone change for the sake of love?

Another common belief is that love can change anything and anyone. But is it reasonable for us to expect our spouse to change their personality to please us? Will we give up what we enjoy for the sake of pleasing our spouses? 

Gilbert, an architect in his late thirties, has been married for three years. He feels that changing to meet the other party’s expectations is important, but he points out that acceptance is also vital in a relationship.

“I’m not a particularly neat person, but in comparison, my wife is an absolute mess.” He smiles.

“One month into our marriage, and I was seething with frustration. I was adamant about changing her initially, and it caused us a lot of trouble. I think I have learned to be less demanding now. She hasn’t grown much tidier, and I don’t expect her to. I don’t think I want her to change. What matters is that she tried. A house that is in perfect order all the time can be quite a chore.”

Dave, a school teacher, agrees but points out that everything has a limit. “No doubt we should make room for personal traits, but there are some habits which can be extremely irritating and prove to be sore points in marriage. These should be worked out before they start to fester, although we must be careful not to overreact.

Does togetherness make for a good marriage?

Two persons in love do not change that fact familiarity sometimes does breed contempt. Even the most gregarious of us should spend some time alone to discover ourselves, re-examine our values, and resolve the many conflicts in our lives.

“When you spend every moment of the day together, you inevitably start getting on each other’s nerves, “comments Olivia, who quit her job as a marketing promotion executive to look after her two-month-old daughter.

“My husband and I were first thrown together two years ago when we were assigned to work on a project. We spent almost every waking moment together and, being the only two on the project; we did not even have the relief of other colleagues around. After a while, we just had to have a breath.”

Lucas, a sales engineer, agrees as he recalls the period when he was courting his wife. “I wanted to see her all the time. Every single second of the day.” Know that we have been married for six years; the obsession is no longer there.” He admits, “But that doesn’t mean I love her any less. I am no longer afraid that she will vanish from my life simply because we are not in each other’s presence. It means that our relationship is more stable and trusting.”

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Does shared life mean shared mind?

A frequent assumption is those marriage partners have compatible goals and ideals in life. While it is often true that married couples share similar views on some of life’s basic values, we should also recognize that everyone is a separate entity and that we each have our unique sets of personal dreams and needs.

James, a production engineer, calls his wife, the typical Iron Lady. “She has quite a mind of her own and holds some extreme views regarding women’s rights. I, however, have rather old-fashioned ideas,” he admits. “I don’t like to have her working as an air stewardess, but I guess it is unfair to force my view on her.”

“Yes, I think we all have a right to our own opinion.” Stresses Noah, a guitarist. Being married does not mean we should give up our dreams. Rather, it should mean sharing, support, and encouragement.”

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It is honesty that is at the same time tactful. It is a solemn vow to be loyal and faithful. It is emotional tenderness and generosity. It is a blessed union of two individuals. It is love.

What do you people think about these assumptions? Do let me know about your precious thoughts in the comment section.