I don't have to tell you that dating today is the most complicated they have ever been. Anyone with a phone knows that genuinely connecting with someone, and seeing them regularly enough to build an authentic and exclusive relationship (gasp), is more complex than an overcooked steak. But that's where dating rules come into play: When you have guardrails to help you stay in your lane and protect you from less-than-easy souls, the path to finding The One becomes much easier to navigate.
Of course, everyone should have their own set of dating rules, chosen based on their wants and needs. Ideally, these rules will push you toward healthy relationships and away from what could become one-sided or toxic relationships (or no connections at all, also known as situations), saving you time, energy, and many conflicting emotions. Remember that sometimes the most crucial rules to you can be the least fun to follow, so try not to ignore your own dating rules just because you find them challenging. You put them in their place for a reason: trust yourself, girl!
Now, if you are struggling to figure out your own dating rules, you may be able to help. I train a lot of women (and men!) On how to cultivate a healthy love life, because unfortunately, you can't depend on Cupid to make all the magic happen (if only it were that simple ...). These are my top 11 dating rules to keep in mind in this wild world of modern romance. Pick the rules that work for you, remove the ones that don't, and of course, experiment as necessary to find your own. There is not a thing right or wrong here.
1. Date multiple people at once.
Yes, you heard me! Before you get into an agreed monogamous relationship, do yourself a favor and play the field. Because this is what is most likely to happen if you don't: you meet someone you like, go out with them again, things escalate, and then bam, you walk away, go ghost or tell you that you are not around—looking, for something serious.
Now you are crushed because you are emotionally invested in them, but they have not invested anything in you. When you have the slightest attachment to a person, disappointment hurts. Save yourself the damage by putting a symbolic egg in multiple baskets.
2. Keep dates short.
I like to tell my clients not to allow appointments to be longer than 90 minutes. Why? It's long enough to get to know the person on a superficial level and (hopefully) feel a spark, but not long enough for your brain to start getting carried away by the thrill of potential.
Dinner dates that spontaneously turn into a five-hour pub crawl or movie night can be enjoyable, but they can also leave you in a state of confusion and despair if nothing develops after the marathon starts.
3. Be upfront about wanting a relationship.
Yes, that's actually what you want. There is nothing to be gained by hiding the fact that you are ultimately looking for yourself forever, but there is much you can lose by doing so. On the one hand, your emotional sanity when the person you've been dating tries hard to keep things casual, and two, along (sometimes A LOT) time.
If you're concerned about telling a potential partner that you want a relationship (generally, not necessarily with him) because you think it will scare him or make him look desperate, put that idea aside. Anyone who gets out when you're honest about your intentions isn't someone who would stick around for the long haul, anyway, so you're doing yourself a favor.
4. Avoid talking about exes on early dates.
An old but good dating rule for a reason: Talking about past relationships and breakups quickly gets tiresome, and first dates should be light and easy. Sure, finding out how someone's last central relationships ended and opening up about how yours ended as well is a great way to learn about the person and connect on a deeper level. But there's plenty of time for that later, so wait until the first handful of appointments.
If they bring up the topic of the ex-talk, amuse it with something like, "I'd be happy to tell you about those things when we get to know each other a little better, but for now, I'm delighted in hearing about XYZ."
5. Wait for at least a few dates to have sex.
I'm not against first date sex, but I'm not necessarily in favor either. As a psychologist, I know that it is necessary to know not only someone's desire but also if their execution aligns with them, which is difficult to understand when meeting them for the first time.
Especially on this topic, but in my professional opinion, one dating rule that can help save your precious heart is to avoid sexual intimacy until you know that you are both looking for the same thing. If that's just a sexual connection, great! But if it's about something else, like a real relationship, you want to make sure that's their goal as well.
Because having sex only makes you feel even more attached to one person ... and sometimes it can make you feel bad about yourself if they don't end up committing to you. Nobody needs to feel that.
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