The Powerful Secret of a Loving Relationship

Many important factors go into building a loving relationship. Of course, it also helps if two people have some things in common about spending their time. It also helps with similar values around religion or spirituality, politics, the environment, abortion, and personal development. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food. If both are clean or there is something wrong with both, if both are people on time or both are lat comers, it makes things easier. Physical attractiveness is also fundamental. It's great if they have common values around money and expense.

Yet a couple can have it all, and a loving relationship cannot be strong even if single if a single element is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful qualities would not be enough for the relationship to work.

This essential component is all about intent.

At any given time, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to control or to learn. When we intend to control, our deepest motivation is to control finding love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When we intend to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn to love ourselves and others.

The motivation to find love rather than love can wreak havoc in a relationship.

Let's look at a specific relationship issue and see what happens when it comes to two different intentions. Jason and Samantha feel emotionally distant from each other, and they haven't been in love for a month. The trouble started when Samantha said she wanted to take an expensive vacation, and Jason protested. Samantha gets angry, Jason gives up, and they have been away ever since.

Samantha intended to be in control of getting what she wanted. She equates an expensive vacation with love- if Jason does it for her, he proves his love for her. She used her anger to keep her in control of getting what she wanted. She wants control over feeling special to Jason.

Jason intends to escape the pain. He gave himself up to gain control over not getting angry with Samantha. He hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see him as a good and loving husband.

However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other instead of loving themselves and each other, their conversation created an emotional distance.

What would it look like if they intended to learn?

If Samantha intended to learn, she wouldn't have been angry. Instead, she wanted to understand Jason's objections; if Jason had intended to learn, he wouldn't have given himself up. Instead, he wanted to understand why this special holiday was so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason may be caring about themselves and each other rather than finding love or escaping pain. In their mutual exploration of how each of them felt the way they did, they might have learned what they needed to learn - about themselves and each other - to reach a win-win resolution. Instead of Samantha clearly winning and Jason losing, they may have come up with something the two can live with. With some of his financial fears discovered, Jason must have decided on a less expensive vacation. I have felt good about the result.

No matter how similar Jason and Samantha are or how attracted to each other, their love will fell short when they intend to control rather than learn. It is amazing how quickly love disappears when one or both partners intend to control it. It is equally astonishing how fast that comes back when both partners intend to learn.