I used to hate myself because of how I looked and how others treated me because of that. Looking at myself in the mirror was one of the most painful things I had to do every day. I hated my hair, my nose, my body, everything about myself. The cruel jokes and comments didn’t help either. I wanted to be different and have people look at me in a positive light, but I just couldn’t do it on my own.
Part 1 - My Childhood - Where It All Started
In my childhood, I always felt like a stranger. I wasn’t really outgoing and didn’t really have any friends because all the girls in school were either best friends with each other or they wanted to be part of their group and I didn’t want to intrude on that. In primary school, it was just me and my imaginary friend who lived inside my head because no one else would play with me and I got bullied by some boys.
Part 2 - I Try to Fit In - Asking Why
During my first year of high school, I decided that I wanted to go out for cheerleading. Sure, I had always been told by people that I was too tall or too scrawny to do it, but honestly? That was a plus. It meant that when we did stunts or tumbling passes or anything else that might be dangerous, it would require more work on their part because I wouldn’t be able to carry my weight as well as other girls. So after watching a few YouTube videos and practicing at home with my mom and sister, I went into tryouts. At first, it seemed like everything was going great! Everyone seemed nice and they were encouraging me to try harder and not give up! But then...something happened. They started picking on me. They started saying things like She can’t even lift her own body weight! How is she supposed to lift someone else?! or She doesn’t have enough muscle mass! She can barely stand up straight without bending over from how heavy her bones are! The worst thing about all of these comments wasn't just that they were mean - they were also true. At least...they felt true at the time anyway.
Part 3 - Good Friends but...I Can’t Let Go
Pushing Forward into a New, Changed Future. In truth, I really should have done more research on my options before making such hasty decisions. What might have seemed like a good idea at first slowly became more and more terrifying to me as I came to realize that if I didn’t do something right away, there wouldn’t be another choice for me but to move on with my life as a Nayeon.
Part 4 - Adulthood, New Job & Relationship, Meeting Friends
The author, Jihyun, a 23-year-old girl with a strong sense of self, struggles to find her place in life and make friends. She moved often as a child and lived with her grandmother for most of high school after her mother moved away. The eldest of three sisters; she is still an only child today. This was partly due to her difficulty making friends growing up - until she met Sara (Chapter 2) at university who would become one of her closest friends.
Part 5 - What can We Learn from a Crab?
I was one of them. I was a typical middle school student, oblivious to anything that was happening around me. Although I spent a lot of time with my best friend and got along well with most people, there were still a few kids who made fun of me every day. We’ll call them S, X, Y and Z.
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