The challenging concept of love is still disputed and unanswered. No one can give the exact definition of love to this day. Love is not bounded by space, matter or time. For centuries, we have an embedded version of love in our minds through songs, poems and movies. The perception of love as depicted in poems and songs are soulful, heavenly and makes one dream of a fairy tale relationship. However, movies like Blue Valentine, 500 days of summer etc. has beautifully captured the honest, chaotic, toxic, painful reality of love.
All relationship can be beautiful, but all relationship can turn toxic too. How many actual relationships have we witnessed that stood through time and hardships and have survived to show us what real love is. I believe, not even 30% of the world population. Provided the growing cases of divorces and infidelity. Has the modern concept of love defeated our timeline?
HOW NOT TO MOVE ON:
Speaking from my personal experience, my ideal relationship of four years ended last year, and it made me question the whole concept of love.
There we were, fighting over an argument and five minutes later resolving it with hugs and kisses. We sat alongside each other. I took one good look at the love of my life, the man I have envisioned my whole life with. I sat there gazing at him, and all my feelings and emotional attachment to him were lost.
The argument wasn't big enough to end a four years relationship but, at the point we resolved our last conflict, I sat there loveless, devoid of all emotions for him. I had no hatred for him, nor we had an unresolved conflict. He was my first love, first boyfriend and I intended to make him my last.
But what's the point of staying in a relationship where you can't love them anymore? There and then I questioned myself if feelings were that unpredictable that passes away with the first wave of tide.
My heart was in constant war with my mind at that point. I kept thinking at what point did I fell out of love for him. Was it the day he lied to me for the first time? Was it the day he went to bed fast asleep while I stayed up all night overthinking? Was it the day he told me he loved me, but stuttered the word out? But, people do change, and he changed. Why wasn't I then able to make peace with him and myself for the changed man he is.
For the first time in a long time, I made peace with myself. I was no longer affected by his absence or presence. I ask myself if the efforts I have made to save the relationship in the past 3 years really worth it? Was I ready to do this for the rest of my life? Fighting for a relationship, validating myself, mending someone who didn't know how to heal a single scratch of my scar.
Fast-forward to one year, and here I am with a man who loved me from the start. All the efforts I had made in my past relationship were getting reciprocated and my feelings and emotions were valued. He possesses all the qualities I seek in my past relationship.
On the onset of a dusky evening, while I was lying in bed with my now boyfriend, I had a glimpse of reminiscence of all the moments I spent with my bygone love. A sudden rush of emotion flowed through my veins and I couldn't hold back my tears. I hated myself for missing him. I reaffirmed myself I couldn't possibly think of him when I have found such a gem. I couldn't hurt someone who's trying his best to love me over someone who broke my heart and so much more than that.
My current boyfriend caresses me till I soothed in his arms and he consoled me with his warm hugs without questioning me the reason for my tears. He waited till I gathered myself and didn't weep anymore. He then gently kissed my forehead and rubbed my back.
I kept convincing myself I love him, but every kiss I resist, every touch I couldn't return, every inch he's inside me only reminds me of my lost love.
I had everything I needed right in front of me, the man who is ideal to be the father to my unborn children, but yet I would dream of the possible what if's with my lost love.
I was certain for once that I wouldn't go back to him, even if he begged for a chance. I knew going back to him would only break me, and I wouldn't let someone have so much power over me.
Why then his touch reminds me of you, why then I feel guilt every time I kiss him and touch his bare skin, why then if I had all the right reasons to leave you I caught myself thinking of one possibility, why then the sound of your name aches my heart. And why then am I "trying to" unloved you, even though I have convinced myself that I do not love you anymore.
With such contradictory, I left to my readers to establish their conclusion if it is love or attachment? Have you ever found yourself in such a situation? How do you actually know you're past them? Such is our state of mind and heart when it comes to love. Do we accept the "WHAT IS" and move on, or do we go back to the same chapter of our life hoping for a different ending?
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