I'm Zachary Zane, a s e x writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of Intercourse experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing s e x questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly S e x p l a i n It.
I am a 31-year-old b i s e x u a l woman married to a 41-year-old man. We are in an ethically open marriage. He is intelligent, masculine, progressive, and supportive of trans, gay, black, and women's rights.
Less than a year ago, he shared with me b i s e x u a l fantasies he has had for his entire life. He grew up in an extremely small conservative town outside of a larger progressive city, and different people throughout his life (including his immediate family in his white-collar upbringing) have used queerness as slurs to hurt him. He is understandably hesitant to accept any label of himself that may confirm a s e x u a l i t y that has been lobbed at him as an insult.
How can I support this man I love so much in exploring and, most importantly, accepting things about himself? I have already told him he will always have a safe place to land with me. He is having a hard time giving himself one, and as someone who has experienced internalized biphobia, I just want to be the best and most loving partner I can be.
It sounds like your husband has accumulated a lot of internalized biphobia over the years. It makes sense: Words like “queer” (I'm guessing) have been hurled at him as an insult since he was a kid by everyone around him, including his family. Not to mention all the subtle and insidious ways his small conservative town implied that it's "wrong" to be anything other than straight. If he's not already seeing a therapist, gently encouraging him to do so is a great first step in helping him unpack all that shame.
When it comes to your husband embracing his s e x u a l i t y , well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Your job, as the horse-leader (i.e., his loving, supportive wife) is to make it clear that you'll be extremely happy for him, whatever he decides to do with his love life—even if that means keeping his b i s e x u a l fantasies as fantasies.
If you start telling him every day how much you'd love for him to sleep with men, you run the risk of putting so much pressure on him that you end up decreasing the likelihood of him embracing his s e x u a l i t y. It's like when you're having s e x , and your partner really wants you to have an orgasm, so they keep asking if you're close; even though it's coming from a good place, it can end up stressing you out and decreasing your chances of cumming.
If, thanks to your supportive attitude, your husband ends up sharing that he's ready to try some stuff IRL, watching b i s e x u a l adult together could be a fun, low-stakes starting point. You can pleasure him (give him a blowjob or handjob) while he watches men be s e x u a l l y intimate with other men. Through your actions, you'll help challenge any fears he might have that women won't find them attractive if they also hook up with guys. And it sounds like you'll find the whole situation pretty damn s e x Y , too! And if the time comes that he's ready to be with men IRL, I'll go ahead and leave this guide to having a successful threesome right here.
LBWSLBA, because you're so comfortable in your s e x u a l i t y , you probably want your husband to jump right into his best bi life right away, but you have to remember that everyone's journey is different. So, you can't push him into anything, no matter how badly you may want to. All you can do is validate his s e x u a l desires without putting any pressure on him—and in doing so, you just might be pleasantly surprised by how he grows.
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