Going through the Pain Barrier Nobody likes pain, but it is there for a purpose. I am a long time supporter of The Leprosy Mission and one of the things that I’ve discovered about leprosy is that it's not normally the disease that results in a person's fingers or toes falling off, it’s the fact that the disease of leprosy stops a person being able to feel pain, and so they will unconsciously burn themselves badly and not feel it. The nerve endings have been damaged, and so they cannot feel pain at all and the results, more often than not, are the hideous deformities that we now associate with a leper. A leper would love to feel pain because they know that pain is given to us to warn our bodies that something is wrong that needs to put right, if possible. Pain is always not a bad thing for those who can understand the real spin. Do you think I feel pain when I run a marathon? You bet I do! A marathon is one of the supreme tests of endurance that average people can undertake. During the run, your body uses up all its stores of carbohydrates and other necessary body fuels and then begins to feed off itself – it turns cannibal, if you like. This thing is so much painful. As well as that, it is not uncommon to pull a muscle, develop a blister, get a stitch, hurt your joints or any other number of painful ailments. Your body is telling you to stop, this is damaging to it! In this context, pain is your body’s natural way to tell you that you are overdoing it – and of course you are. However, all of us can ‘overdo it’ for a lot longer than we think is possible initially. We can learn to acknowledge the pain and, whilst taking steps to minimize it, we can still run on and on. Mind is over matter, if you like it.
One of the great acts of heroism I ever witnessed was during an Olympic marathon, when the Tanzanian representative fell during the race, badly injuring himself. He got up and struggled on in obvious pain whilst all the other runners disappeared up the road in front of him. It was demoralizing for him, but he refused to give up. He struggled on and entered the stadium with only a few people still left in the stands to cheer him home. He finished the race with blood pouring from his leg wound, just as they were taking down the finishing line and a television reporter asked why he hadn’t just given up after falling so badly. His response was so brilliant for the television reporter. He replied, “My country did not send me here to start a race. They sent me to finish a race!” Too many of us start the race but are not so committed to finishing.
I am firmly convinced that if a couple acknowledge to each other that there will be times of pain, then they will be better able to cope with it for a period when it happens. In the western world, we have been brought up with this strange belief that we should never suffer and so, when we inevitably do hit times of suffering, we have not prepared ourselves to handle it properly. I have a friend who lectures on philosophy in universities in many Third World countries. He says that one question he is never asked in Third World countries is, “Why does God allow suffering?” The reason for this is that suffering is just such a normal part of their lives that they cannot imagine that anyone doesn’t suffer. In fact, it’s the suffering that makes them into the people they are. Can you accept that suffering makes you a better person?
Here are five things we can do when we feel pain in our relationship:-
1. We need to acknowledge that there is pain and try to isolate what is causing it.
As we have said already in regard to the lepers, pain has a purpose. It tells us that something is not right. When we feel pain in our relationship, we need to stop and analyze why we are feeling that particular pain. When I was an accountant and had a bit more money at my disposal, one of the things I would do when I felt some pain in my marriage was to throw a bit of money at it. We’d take a holiday, go for a nice meal, buy some new clothes, get our hair done up (well at least my wife would do this). Now, if you’ve got the resources, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things, but we need to be aware that by distracting our minds for a little while from the cause of the pain it doesn’t make the pain go away long term. It only puts a plaster over a wound that needs treatment. However, all we were doing by throwing money at our problems was delaying the inevitable, and sooner or later we would have a big argument.
It’s a bit like developing a toothache. Sure, you can dull the pain by putting some painkilling drug on your gum, but if the cause of the pain is not dealt with, we know that it will flare up again, and next time even more painfully. Indeed, if we kept on ignoring the pain, then it might result in a tooth being removed. What started out as a simple toothache resulted in surgery. Not good.
In marriage, there are a number of ways of figuring out what is causing the pain. Most of them common sense. You could try just talking to each other. Now there’s a novel suggestion! You could try doing the simple exercises in chapter 2 of this book and then discussing the results. You could talk to a professional counselor who is trained to get to the bottom of painful issues. Whatever you decide to do, it is crucial that you do something and do not ignore your pain. Once again, the keyword is action.
The second thing we can try when pain rears its probing head is something that might seem very obvious, but it is worth stating again just in case you miss it. Make sure that the pain you feel is associated with your marriage and not something else, like your job or even your children. So often we can be under pressure at our work and then come home and take it out on our partner. This is called displacing the pain. One of the things that I had to learn to do was to actually say to my wife, when I came home after a particularly hard day at work, that I was feeling stressed and tired. At first, it felt like a confession of weakness, and it wasn’t easy for me to admit that sometimes I wasn’t coping as well as I’d like to pretend. When I admitted as much to my wife, almost every time she was able to understand and take a bit more of the household pressure for a short time.
On other occasions the pressure was in the other direction and after a hard day of dealing with young children my wife would sometimes take out her frustrations on me. If I failed to recognize that this was happening, the result could easily be a full-blown argument over pain that had been displaced. It is very important to be able to admit to feeling under pressure and to ask for some help from your spouse. If you don’t, the pain you feel elsewhere will automatically come out in your marriage.
The third thing to fix in your mind and believe is that pain is not a signal that your marriage is over.
When I’m running a marathon, I need to keep reminding myself that pain is a totally natural for this event and expected part of the race. I do not give up at the first twinge or even at quite severe pain. I battle through it. Of course, I have to put up with some pain if I want to finish the race. One thing that drives me nuts these days is when I read a report in a newspaper of the latest celebratory couple who have split up, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the cause. What they are really saying is that they encountered a wee bit of pain and so just gave up! Usually they live such a pampered lifestyle that any sort of pain is just not acceptable, and so they walk away (to repeat the exercise with someone else). Do not succumb to this modern malaise. If you never learn how to put up with a bit of pain, every relationship you enter into will head down the same path. If you don’t believe me, just check out the marriages in Hollywood. Don’t become a quitter. Pain is not the end – it’s a sign that something needs to be done. In fact, it can be a beginning if you let it.
Stop focusing on the pain.
Whatever you focus on will begin to define who you are. If all you can see are the bad things in your marriage, it won’t be long until your marriage accurately reflects your focus. In a marathon, if I keep thinking about how painful it is, there is a big temptation to give up. So what I do is to try and focus on more pleasant things such as the scenery, the joy of running, the anticipation of finishing, other runners (especially those who dress up in stupid outfits), anything to divert my attention from the pain for a little while. It’s amazing how often the pain is actually more mental than physical. I believe that the same thing can be achieved in marriage.
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