You know the feeling when you look at your calendar and you see all those events that are supposed to be fun? I mean, yeah, like a sports team game and some concerts or just an evening with some friends. But there is one thing that never happens, but you keep imagining it. Your best friend is having a tough time and so do you. We always expect that he will win in some big game, but not us. And then there is that family event. Usually, either we see them together or they go out of town or we have no idea if we will see him again.
And then once you think about it, no matter how much work you do, how long you study each day, how many hours you spend in practice or how much you eat, whether you sleep well or not at all, there is always at least one chance before the end of the year that bad news is going to come up that makes all of our lives seem as though it was yesterday.
When this happens, all you want to do is cry and scream, and that is what everyone else does, especially if someone close to you has been having problems or the situation has become too complicated for them to handle. It might take weeks before you hear back from your friend, but that still doesn’t stop you from wondering what happened with him or why you even bothered with him. He doesn’t like you for whatever reason, and he didn’t invite you over.
Just tell yourself it’s because he’s upset, or he was drunk or he needs help or she broke her leg and now she can’t get there. Or maybe, he’s gone because he was sick and that made everything worse because nothing can make sure that things aren’t going to work out as you had hoped. I mean, no matter how much I try to stay calm, I don’t like that my friend is missing out on something great that could happen, or is something he truly needs. Sometimes, though, I can just accept that he isn’t coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
If he has plans to be with his mom and dad and I can’t get tickets for him, then I know I can just be around my family that way it goes. Because at any moment of the day there could be other issues that would pull me away from my family. There will not be anyone to talk about this stuff to because he won’t be there. That’s okay because that’s my whole world right now.
The last week of December will be three months away. This week, I don’t know yet because I would love to see him, but I can only hope that after December 30 he will make it, if he does, then maybe there is at least one day, maybe two days soon, where I can sit down in front of my computer and pretend that he is sitting next to me and tell him everything is fine and that it’s OK even though everything might feel like that.
I guess sometimes it goes to the point that you have no feelings at all. Like when I say this; “I was thinking of my girlfriend and thought about the pain I would have felt if I wasn’t with her.” Because if you’re not at home with your girlfriend you’re not at all happy, and this is probably the most important part of being in a relationship when it comes down to making decisions about the rest of your life or if and when to leave town. Especially when you realize that no one can live without knowing that you still love them and they still love you.
Even if your girlfriend doesn’t want to hear about it or ask questions about it, it’s still just the truth. Not all relationships are created equal, which is why I find myself constantly using these words: “You know, a dog is very valuable. I don’t think it’d be such a waste if we were to keep working together.”
Then on top of that, whenever I’m out with my ex, I will go off on the porch and look over the shoulder of my ex’s house every time he walks by and wish I could be there with him. I am hoping my ex feels that way about me, too. Because honestly, I’m sure that the best thing that ever happened to me was when I moved into the apartment I started renting with my current boyfriend.
Now we have a dog of ours, and he loves it, and we both have a similar sense of humor too and sometimes we use this fact while arguing about who gets to pick the dog up. He thinks that I should choose the dog and my ex says that I should choose the one that I already chose. Why would I have to decide between the two? All I have to do is pack my bag and have him pack the dog so we both have to be happy. And you know what? So far it’s been pretty good.
We’ve talked about moving in together to live together if we can’t do that we have tried renting an apartment together, and we’ve tried having our dog travel with our wife to New York City because we want to and she also wants to live with us because of school. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that I’m looking forward to getting married and living a normal marriage with the same person for the rest of my life. Not because it means any different, but because I don’t want to be miserable. Because I know that I am capable of happiness and pain, and I don’t want that.
And the thing I realize is that sometimes I wonder whether I want the lifestyle that I have today. I used to be the kid stuck at a fast-food restaurant telling a co-worker who works there that her favorite dish would be chicken breast nachos. She told me the story of how she got it and that it was delicious, and I remember saying “I have to do that again!” when I ate the food and I realized that we were watching TV instead of eating. Eventually, I went out and worked hard as a bartender at a bar, and finally, the job became my purpose, instead of one that I wanted to do. I realized that the money I was making was not enough to pay my bills, so I took a month off and got laid off. One day, I woke up to a familiar sound in the basement.
The ceiling fan had turned on, and I knew that it was the first time I had heard it in years, but I figured that that sounded strange because I didn’t know what downstairs sounded like, and it didn’t make any sense until I started hearing the sounds of people laughing. That night I went to bed at 3 am, but my bedroom was dark. At 5:00 AM I ran downstairs and woke up my alarm clock and saw that it was 8 AM so that I knew exactly when I put my feet on floorboards to open my closet door to my bedroom.
For the past three hours I’ve looked at the floor and turned over and looked up, the lightbulb was on and there was a voice calling my name, telling me to come here. With those hands and footfalls, I slowly made my way downstairs, opening the door that I did not want to open, because all this time I had just woken up, and I didn’t want to open that door to the place that seemed to bring back memories of pain and pain.
It did bring back memories that were real and long gone. As I walked past the kitchen and down the hall a beautiful woman was sitting in a nice black velvet dress that matched the color of her hair that was sitting in the center of her head. Her eyes were closed, which surprised me because she didn’t look tired, but a little bit depressed, considering she was clearly in pain and alone in her room. Her arms were wrapped under her legs, and I could see no sign of her head and I could sense that she had had no idea that she was in someone else’s house when she called for me.
And then the wall opened up, and I was standing behind her, with a huge smile on my face, taking my hand. Although my heart was racing at 125 beats per minute, I felt like I was floating and the ground below me was giving me a strong grip. I opened my hand to hold hers for a few seconds, knowing that once she opened her eyes she would realize that she had been taken, and it would make a horrible difference, but I stood there with a sense of peace knowing that she was no longer doing anything wrong.
Even though I was standing beside her and she was not aware that I was there my heart stopped, not only was she no more conscious of my presence, but we were together. It took all of 10 milliseconds for the reality that she was inside of someone else’s body to sink in, and I was gone. She could no longer hear me, and I held her hand tightly as she looked at me, trying to comprehend the last time she saw me. She had a terrible headache, and I was confused that she had suffered this injury again, but no, she was no more aware of anything than I was. It felt like our connection had not expired, but something had, and it changed everything I believed I knew about herself.
You must be logged in to post a comment.