I was born in the country where every creepy teenage stalker from school is the love of your life and every thrashing from your parents for those hidden love letters is only what makes it 'true' love. We pay to watch the romanticization of your pretty normal, sometimes borderline problematic growing up phenomenons and call it Bollywood! But I have always grown up to believe that when you are in love, the sky turns pink, the air stops smelling of the pollution and it's sweet spring flowers everywhere and every time that person walks into the room the earth suddenly runs on 0.5 x speed. But does it, though?
The first time I fell in love was in 11th grade, or at least I thought I did. Pretty late already in comparison to some of my friends who were already discussing their "other adventures" in school, but that's how things work here, don't judge! The first time I was kissed, I could not move for a good 2 minutes. It was exactly what I had imagined it would be, and probably more. The flash of current through the body, butterflies, more like dragonflies in the stomach and I was sure....I was in love. For a 17-year old I had to be sure. As a hetero cis-gendered (to be honest I had no idea what these meant then) who had never even had a crush on a celebrity except a flashing moment when I thought Harry styles was cute (this is 2015 okay), I was quite sure that this is the most I could possibly feel. Two months into the relationship when I realized it was not, I felt the worse I possibly could, that's for sure.
I blamed myself for being incapable of loving the person who clearly loved my so much and had been such a dear friend for way too long. How could I have possibly read the signs wrong? How could I even expect to be in a cute, wholesome relationship like my friends if I couldn't even identify my own feelings correctly? Well, as it turns out you totally can! There is a lot of talk going around about the constant pressure of meeting the superficial beauty standards that the youth today is under. But what about the emotional standards. I'm 20 something now and often I find myself questioning my own capabilities or rather lack of ability to find a healthy relationship, forget love.
What I have realized, is that it's fine. It's fine to think you're in love when you're actually not, as fine as it is to not be in love at all. I can't help but wonder the kind of pressure teens nowadays feel to be in a relationship, to show it off as a badge of your emotional capability and achievements and sometimes even as a tag of your stable mental health. I know I feel that way. But we really do need to stop pitying ourselves or wrongly judge ourselves of our apparent emotional incapacity. If every single one of your friends are lovely, healthy relationships that make you wonder where you're going wrong, stop wondering. Go focus on building that relationship with what or whom you're already in love with, that unfinished book, the garden in your backward, your guitar, family and friends. Cause next time your friends tell you that you're single because of some personality trait or attitude of yours, tell them you're single, and not lonely, it's a choice not a condition!
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