How to be an understanding person in a relationship? Expert spills beans

Life is the sum total of our choices and when we say attracting, it could simply translate to choosing. When we make the wrong choices in our relationships - be it a partner or friend, we are basically ignoring or setting aside our own needs of getting that emotional support and feeling better in life. What we basically are attracting is - loneliness, emotional exploitation, waste of energy, toxicity in life.

 The reason we do not attract or choose the right kind of people in our life could also be our lack of true understanding about self. Once we know what we want in life, we may also figure out our tribe of people that will support us through thick and thin.

 "I want to change the word attraction to choose. When you are attracted to something, you are choosing it. What does that mean? So, if you have a preference for people who are not good for you, you are essentially choosing people who are not good for you. So, I want you to own your power in that. Once you own your power, you have the opportunity to make a different choice," says Nedra Glover Tawwab, NYT Bestselling Author, Relationship & Boundaries Expert in her recent Instagram post.

 "You don't have to choose people who are not good for you. There are people all around you. The ones who are good for you, choose them," adds the expert.

 Understanding their past trauma – When we undergo a trauma, we try out a coping mechanism for ourselves and also a pattern of behavior. It is then that we need to understand why they are behaving in a certain way and create a healthy place for them to heal and get better. It is also important for us to individually try to heal ourselves from our own traumas too.

 Being aware about how the nervous system works – When we are not in a position to process our thoughts, we become bad listeners. We try to negate the incoming information, and hence a lot of fights become cyclical, which creates further problems. Understanding and learning to regulate our nervous system can help us in being a better partner.

 Commit to your partner’s freedom – A lot of us have been constantly shamed or made to feel guilty in our childhood for being our truest self. This makes us put up a face of pretense in life. But creating a safe space for our partners to be able to have difficult conversations, and being able to share their emotional state, can help us to make the relationship a better place for both of us.

 Knowing to control the ego – Often in relationships, we let our ego take the upper hand in order to protect us. However, this creates resentment and misunderstanding in the relationship. We should learn to be aware of our ego and regulate it in order to make choices based on love, and not fear.

 Here are tips to attract the right person in your life

* Choose the qualities that are healthy for you.

* Choose the qualities that are more long term.

* Choose the qualities that you would have skipped over in the past

* Choose something different from earlier

 The next time, you choose a person, put yourself first and ask why you want that person in life. If the reason is convenience or any other short-term purpose, you should think again and deeply.