How The temptation to secede

A family with special children is very tempted to secede. Namely, going out into the air can be quite a job and take the juices out of even the toughest everyday hero. First of all, it can take us half an hour to an hour to get out of the door, then get the child to dress, then get the clothes on, restrain his restlessness and anger, maybe get dressed again, get the half-dressed child out of the stairwell with a smile, smile A “nothing here” smile and of course, wait the other elder child get ready.

Even when you leave the door, you feel tired, and the anger is sensitive for both children and parents. And the world outside the home is just a minefield because the coexistence of people in a city is based on adherence to certain social norms and codes of conduct. Adherence to these standards can be difficult for neurologically specific children because they receive, process, and interpret messages they receive from their environment in an unusual way. The reasons for a child's different behavior are therefore sometimes difficult to understand, let alone explain.

Recently, A’s biggest challenges have been sudden and intense outrage, as well as overbearing and restless rioting that either drags other children along or causes confused or fearful reactions. Outside the home, it is not so much the reactions of foreign children that are considered. Quite a few seem to have a seamless theory of how to make a child behave well as a child. Most are content to stare, mutter, or express themselves, but there are also those who consider it their right to intervene when unworthy parents are clearly unable to take care of their child’s needs (or to comfort/maintain discipline / whatever). It feels more than embarrassing to start explaining to vent guests why a child behaves, how they behave, or why conventional parenting methods don’t work.

Still, one should always try to explain, calmly and without provocation. Not that knowledge and understanding would otherwise spread. When A rumbles disturbingly when traveling by train, instead of restraining the child, the fellow passengers should be told about A's Tourette. But then you don’t want to make a number of yourself and your child. It feels easier to try to avoid bothering and pleasing other people. At the same time, it reinforces the child's perception of himself as a “wrong” person who must make every effort to change, even if he does not have much to do with himself. (Again, by the way, one more reason to blame yourself.)

In such a world, secession seems like an easy and noticeable solution. When not going out, awkward social situations can be avoided. And since the home and everyday life are in constant chaos, you can't really ask anyone to go to the village. It feels better to minimize all the social burden on A to make it even a little easier. Quite rarely do we go anywhere with the whole family unless there are additional adults to help. All trips are so easily ruined by the whole family because of the awkwardness of just one child. That’s why we try to enjoy those times when we can get in traffic without A or alternatively when we only get somewhere with A.

Even though doing things as a family has become almost impossible, we are still trying to avoid secession. In addition to organizing our own time, we have also regularly tried to do things as a family. And yes, every now and then they are somehow made to work. Also, explaining A’s situation to strangers actually feels good most of the time because many want to understand. I guess this transparency then has really positive effects.