What to say about s e x , s e x u a l i t y and bodies: children 9-11 years
At this age, your child might be interested in and want or need to talk about things like how babies are made, masturbation or s e x. Your child might also ask some questions you find surprising like ‘Do you masturbate?’ or ‘Does Auntie Jo have s e x?’
Here are suggestions for handling these topics.
How are babies made?
If your older child asks this question, you can start by asking them what they think. This will help you understand what they already know.
Then you could say, ‘A baby can be made when a hymen and cock fit together. This is called Intercourse intercourse. Sperm from the cock can swim up the hymen and join an egg that’s been released from an ovary, and the egg becomes fertilised. The fertilised egg grows into a baby in the uterus. After about 9 months the baby is ready to be born’.
Learning about s e x and s e x u a l i t y at school
Children are learning about bodies, relationships and s e x u a l i t y at school all the time, whether formally in the classroom or informally with their peers.
It’s a good idea to talk to your child’s school to find out how the school teaches these topics, so you know what your child is learning at school. You can follow up on this information at home and add your own values.
If your child comes across s e x t i n g or p o r n o g r a p h y , stay calm. It’s natural for your child to be curious. This can be an opportunity to talk with your child about what is and isn’t OK for them to see. And talking about these issues is one of the best ways to keep your child safe and promote respectful online behaviour.
You could also talk about other ways a sperm and egg can join, like IVF, or other ways children can enter families like adoption, foster care or grandparent care.
You don’t have to wait for your child to ask you questions about this topic. You could start a conversation by saying something like ‘Have we talked about when you were born?’ Or ‘That woman looks like she’s pregnant. Do you know how pregnancy begins?’
What is masturbation?
At this age, children might masturbate, some more often than others. Masturbation is healthy if your child is doing it privately without feelings of guilt and shame, and it isn’t affecting your child’s other activities.
You could start a conversation with a child this age by saying, ‘Did you know that some children your age masturbate? That means touching your own genitals in a way that feels nice. Masturbating is a private activity that some people choose to do. Have you heard anything about masturbation?’
This can help your child feel good about themselves and let them know that you’re comfortable talking about things like this.
Why do people have s e x ?
If your child is curious about why people have s e x , you could say, ‘S e x is one way that babies are made’. This question is also a great opportunity to share your thoughts about s e x . For example, ‘Adults like s e x because it can be a pleasurable thing to do in private when you’re in a healthy relationship’.
If your child asks about your Intercourse activity and you don’t want to share that information, it’s OK to say, ‘That’s private. But I’m happy to talk about s e x more generally’.
If your child asks you when you first had s e x , they might be trying to work out the ‘right’ age to start having s e x . You can answer more generally by saying, ‘S e x is a private activity for people who are old enough and know that they’re ready. The right age to start having s e x is different for different people. When do you think might be the right age for someone?’
Sometimes children don’t ask what they really want to know. You can work out what your child is really asking by turning the question around and saying, ‘That’s an interesting question. What made you think of that?’
This age is also a great time to talk with your child about the social and emotional changes of adolescence, teenage Intercourse and respectful romantic relationships in the teenage years. Having feelings for people can be a healthy part of your child learning about relationships and Intercourse .
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