Summing up
Charm, charisma and confidence, or the 3Cs of narcissism coined by narcissist psychotherapist expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, are often why we fall for narcissists. The dark side is that you also face controlling, careless and condemning behaviors.
So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
Read this article to learn more about various aspects of a narcissist’s reaction when they lose control that they had over you previously.
What is narcissism?
While the word narcissism and the phrase narcissist control have almost become mainstream, there is a huge debate. As this review of the controversies in narcissism explains, there are various models and theories that attempt to define narcissism.
The key point to note is that there’s a range of symptoms, from healthy narcissism to pathological narcissistic personality disorder. While the media quickly calls these people vain and self-centered, they are usually deeply insecure. This insecurity makes them feel so vulnerable that they need constant validation.
Without this validation, they may quickly become narcissistic control freaks in a misguided attempt to protect their fragile self-esteem. So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? They’ll do anything to regain that control to feel in power and assertively.
Symptoms of a narcissist’s manipulation
What does a narcissist mean when they brag about their achievements, lie or antagonize you? It all comes down to trying to hide a deep shame by attempting to control you.
As children, either controlling or dismissive parents may have crushed their self-esteem. As this psychology review on narcissistic personality disorder explains, they then learned unhealthy coping mechanisms to cover an extreme lack of self-love. This can come across as controlling, paranoid, or entitled.
Narcissists often lie, infantilize and gaslight you. They can put you down and yet they crave your admiration. These tactics are all an attempt to control you because they artificially boost their self-esteem by exerting their power.
Sadly, narcissists destroy who they cannot control. There’s no escaping this fact unless you do something about it. Try to remember that it’s rarely with malicious intent.
Most narcissists aren’t aware of their behaviors which is why their rage can seem so out of control. Essentially, they’re only reacting to feeling lost and confused. They feel no empathy for others but are at a complete loss regarding their emotions.
Related Reading: Signs You’re in a Relationship with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
What happens when a narcissist loses control over you?
A narcissist losing control can be truly terrifying. Depending on the type of narcissist you’re dealing with, they can become aggressive, violent, or withdrawn while isolating you from the outside world.
The question might now be, “how does a narcissist act according to the different types”? So, you could be dealing with an overbearing, overt narcissist or a paranoid narcissist who projects their flaws onto you.
Man and woman arguing
You might face a narcissistic collapse at the extreme end of the scale. Essentially, losing control over you or your environment is highly triggering for a narcissist. When a narcissist loses power, you’ll see them revert to pure emotion completely out of control.
So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? If they are so triggered, they’ll lash out at you verbally and physically. They’ll essentially do anything to cover the shame of being humiliated or stressed to such levels.
When a narcissist realizes your refusal to be controlled, they panic because their demands are no longer met. They’ll become coercive, manipulative and potentially aggressive. On the other hand, they might become superficially charming to lure you back in before they start controlling you again.
Where does a narcissist’s need for control come from?
Narcissism lies on a spectrum. While we all need a healthy amount of narcissism to be confident enough to live our lives, extreme narcissism is devastating for everyone involved. The problem with narcissists is that their issues are so deep that they rarely see the need for change.
Dr. Jeffrey Young specifically developed schema therapy to help those particularly resistant, like most narcissists. His therapy also gives us an understanding of where it all comes from. It helps us understand the question, “how does a narcissist react when they can’t control.”
Schemas, or maladaptive reactions and beliefs, come from traumatic experiences, especially during childhood. Without a supportive family network, narcissists develop deeply held beliefs of mistrust, perfectionism and shame.
These beliefs then translate into what we call narcissistic manipulation. The coping behaviors they learned to hide the pain of shame and mistrust blow up as the controlling bully, paranoid perfectionist or overbearing fanatic.
In summary, when a narcissist can’t control you, all the pain from the past comes up to the surface. Imagine a caged wild animal desperate to be set free.
Young couple fighting
That’s why what happens when a narcissist loses control is frightening. They can be physically violent and you should prioritize your safety. Simply walk away. A useful next step is to then reach out to narcissist support groups.
Common narcissist behaviors when their needs aren’t met
The things to expect when a narcissist’s needs aren’t met include physical and verbal violence. When narcissists lose control over their environment, their needs aren’t met. So, they panic and become reactive.
They might also try to distort reality to suit their needs again. Tactics include over-generalizing, blaming, catastrophizing, always being right and many more.
How does a narcissist act in that case? It doesn’t just involve immediate reactions. They might also become vindictive and manipulative behind the scenes. So, they’ll lie to your friends and family so they can all turn against you.
When narcissists can no longer control you, they might even go online and create rumors and stories about you. Alternatively, they’ll give you the silent treatment and make you feel like you’ve done something wrong.
Essentially, the question “how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you” has many examples depending on the type of narcissist.
So, the covert narcissist will blame everyone else and become highly defensive. On the flip side, an overt narcissist might become exploitative but the antagonistic one will fight.
At this point, you might be wondering how to control a narcissist. The short answer is that you can’t. If you do try, you’ll only trigger the issues that led them to become a narcissist. Remember that they’re often controlling to counteract previously controlling parents.
Nevertheless, you can be assertive with a narcissist and make yourself heard. The first step is to ensure you’re not in any physical danger.
Then, what does a narcissist mean when they control, dismiss or antagonize you? As we’ll see in the next section, knowing the underlying cause behind the behavior can help you strategize to assert yourself.
Related Reading: 10 Different Behaviors That Ruin a Relationship
How to assert your needs with a narcissist
How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? As we’ve seen, it combines physical and verbal violence with various forms of manipulation, gaslighting and isolation. How to take control away from a narcissist starts by getting to know yourself.
Narcissists attract us because they’re charming and successful. They can also attract us because of our issues. If you’ve found yourself partnering with more than one narcissist in your past, there might be a pattern.
Having a narcissist controlling you can sometimes be because you also suffer from damaged self-esteem. Perhaps you grew up with a narcissist and subconsciously, you’re recreating what you know from your past. Codependency is another trait that narcissists are attracted to.
Couple arguing in the kitchen
Whether you fall for the love bombing because of childhood emotional deprivation or get triggered into self-sacrifice, you can heal your issues. Working with a therapist will help you heal from within, from which you’ll be able to start developing boundaries with the narcissist in your life.
How to stop being controlled in a relationship means not getting triggered?
Related Reading: How to Live With a Narcissist Husband? 15 Signs and Ways to Deal
Anger and confrontation only add fuel to the fire
Imagine a small and scared child when considering the question, “how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you.” As long as you’re not in physical danger, talk to the small child your narcissist has become.
We all know that anger only alienates a small child. Empathy is the true solution. This isn’t about excusing the narcissist but establishing boundaries with empathy and understanding. So, point out how the behavior makes you feel and what you expect instead.
The non-violent communication framework is critical for connecting with your narcissist and rebuilding a healthy partnership. Don’t fall into the trap of the consequences of “how does a narcissist react when they can’t control.”
Instead, listen to this TED talk explaining the framework in action that includes a short clip by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who developed the tool:
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