There are numerous aspects that contribute to the development of a loving relationship. It certainly helps if two people share similar interests in terms of how they spend their time. It also helps if they share ideals in terms of religion or spirituality, politics, the environment, abortion, and personal development. It helps if they consume junk food or organic food together. If both of you are neat or messy, if both of you are on time or both of you are late, it makes things easier. Physical resemblance is also essential. It's fantastic if they share similar financial and spending values.
However, if one of these elements is lacking, a couple can have all of these but still not have a loving relationship. All the other amazing characteristics will not be enough to make the relationship thrive without this crucial factor.
It's all about the aim with this crucial element.
At any given time, each of us is focused on one of two goals: control or learning. Our deepest motivation when we intend to dominate is to have control over gaining love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When we set out to study, our primary motivation is to learn how to love ourselves and others.
The need to be loved rather than to be loved can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Let's take a look at a common relationship problem and observe what occurs when the two opposite goals collide. Jason and Samantha haven't made love in a month and are emotionally estranged from one another. The issue arose when Samantha expressed an interest in taking a costly vacation, to which Jason disapproved. Samantha became enraged, Jason caved in, and the two have remained estranged ever since.
Samantha wanted to be able to choose how she got what she wanted. She confuses a lavish vacation with love, believing that if Jason does this for her, he is demonstrating his love for her. She used her rage to gain control over the things she desired. She wants to be in charge of how amazing Jason makes her feel.
Jason's goal is to stay as pain-free as possible. He gave himself up in order to have control over Samantha's lack of anger. By giving Samantha what she wants, he hopes she would regard him as a kind and loving husband.
However, because Jason and Samantha were both attempting to dominate one other rather than being loving to themselves and each other, their connection resulted in emotional turmoil.
What would this have looked like if they had set out to learn something?
Samantha would not have become upset if her goal had been to learn. Instead, she would have preferred to comprehend Jason's concerns. Jason would not have given himself up if his goal had been to learn. Instead, he would have wanted to know why Samantha was so adamant about taking this vacation. Samantha and Jason would have been more concerned with themselves and each other than with getting love or avoiding pain. They would have learned what they needed to know – about themselves and each other – in their mutual study of why they each felt the way they did in order to reach a win-win conclusion. They would have come up with something that both of them could live with, instead of Samantha seemingly winning and Jason losing. Jason might have determined that the vacation Samantha wanted would be alright after some investigation of his financial anxieties. Samantha might have chosen a less expensive holiday if she had been aware of Jason's financial difficulties. In either situation, they would have been satisfied with the outcome.
Jason and Samantha's love will fade no matter how much they have in common or are attracted to each other when their goal is to control rather than learn. When one or both parties have the goal to control, it's remarkable how quickly love fades. It's also amazing how quickly it returns when both parties are eager to learn.
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