LENA, A 41-YEAR-OLD SCIENTIST in New Jersey, remembers feeling confused about why people had s e x growing up, because she just didn’t desire it. “I was curious about it, willing to try, and found it fun in many ways," she says. "But I've never had the feeling of looking at someone and specifically wanting to have s e x with them."
Around five years ago, she learned about agamic and thought, yeah, that’s me. A bit later, she remembers, she saw an online conversation about different erotic orientations—and encountered the term "cupio s e x u a l ." "I was even more like, yeah," Lena recalls. "That's it."
When people hear the word “agamic ,” they often think of people who do not desire or have s e x . But in reality, a portion of agamic people do enjoy and seek out s e x , and there’s a word that many of them embrace to describe themselves: cupio s e x u a l .
What does c u p i o s e x u a l mean?
“Cupio s e x u a l is a microlabel within the agamic spectrum,” says Dr. Bailey Hanek, certified s e x therapist and consultant for the Between Us Clinic. “Those who identify as cupio s e x u a l do not experience erotic attraction, but desire a erotic relationship.
To be agamic means to experience a lack of erotic attraction. But while agamic people may not have erotic desires directed toward other people, they may still want to experience erotic pleasure with partners for a variety of reasons.
One reason an agamic person may want to have s e x is to relieve erotic tension. In fact, someone can be agamic and actually have a high libido (though some, like Lena, have little to no libido), explains Aubri Lancaster, a s e x educator focused on agamic . “Libido is the body asking for an orgasm,” she says. “erotic attraction helps direct that libido toward another person.
s e x can also feel good to agamic people, just like it does for allo s e x u a l people (those who aren’t agamic ). “People who are cupio s e x u a l may be desirous of s e x for the pleasurable sensation,” Hanek says.
An agamic person can experience arousal and orgasm; their arousal just may not be caused by erotic attraction, according to Lancaster.
Pleasure obtained through s e x can also include more than just erotic pleasure. Some people experience a desire for physical closeness, known as “skin hunger,” and s e x can be a way to fulfill this hunger, just like hugging or kissing. “Even if they aren’t getting erotic aroused through erotic interaction, they may be sensually connected to the experience, and they may get sensual pleasure,” Lancaster says.
Man kissing neck of woman in bed
For Lena, much of the motivation for having s e x comes from knowing it will feel good, even if she’s not craving it. “I have s e x . But my feelings about s e x are similar to my feelings about running on my treadmill,” she explains. “It's something I enjoy. It makes me feel good. I particularly enjoy it in the right setting, when I feel well prepared for it. But I don't crave it or lust for it or think about it all the time.
Another reason an agamic person might want to have s e x is that they experience romantic attraction, which is separate from erotic attraction, Lancaster explains. While erotic attraction may mean wanting to have s e x with someone, romantic attraction means wanting to date, hold hands with, and do other romantic things with someone. If someone is romantically attracted to a partner, they may want to experience erotic pleasure with them whether or not they are experiencing erotic attraction. They may enjoy the emotional intimacy that s e x provides, as well as the opportunity to experience physical pleasure with a romantic partner.
In addition, agamic is a spectrum, so some agamic people do experience low degrees of erotic attraction. Some use the word “gray s e x u a l ” to refer to themselves if they are on the agamic spectrum but are sometimes erotic attracted to others. “That may be another reason somebody may wish to engage in erotic activity,” Lancaster says.
There are also agamic people who don’t desire s e x but will engage in erotic activity as a favor for a partner, but these people would be less likely to identify as cupio s e x u a l , she adds.
Embracing your c u p i o s e x u a l identity
Lena remembers feeling confused about her lack of erotic attraction when she first started having s e x . “It caused issues sometimes with people I dated,” she says. “They'd be feeling hot and heavy and I'd be like, ‘Yes, we can have s e x if you'd like. No, I'm not going to talk dirty. I don't feel or think any of those things.’ And people might have thought that I just wasn't into them.” She recalls one partner who would ask her to “beg for it,” and she couldn’t because it didn’t feel genuine.
Cupio s e x u a l people sometimes feel left out of both agamic and allo s e x u a l communities, since they do not fit the stereotype of an agamic person as not at all interested in s e x , Lancaster says. But while there isn’t data specifically on how many people identify as cupio s e x u a l , one survey found that about 9% of agamic people are “s e x -favorable,” meaning that they like s e x . So, if you are agamic and enjoy s e x , you are certainly not alone.
“There are millions of people in the world who are agamic , so how many of those people may be in that s e x -favorable space—there’s probably a good chunk of them,” Lancaster says. “As agamic grows in awareness, that slice of the pie will grow.
Lena says that since embracing the identity of cupio s e x u a l, she’s been able to “find partners who accept me at face value” and who understand that “I want to have s e x . I enjoy it. I'm not going to give a performance over it. And no, I don't want nude pics or dirty text messages. I'm either having s e x or not; there's no intermediate ‘aroused’ feeling or state of being.” Now, she feels comfortable with this and doesn’t feel the need to pretend to be anything she isn’t.
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