Kate, 27
“I’ve spent my 20s dating men who didn’t want relationships, basically trying to force square pegs into round holes for fear of being alone. Crippling self-esteem issues, hook-up culture and the hollow thrill of night life only exacerbated the issue. But when I found myself living alone during lockdown and feeling [down] after more dating disappointments, it dawned on me that cultivating a relationship during a pandemic, while not impossible, would be difficult, and perhaps exploring BDSM instead – something I’d been curious about – could equally be fulfilling.
That’s how I met my current partner, who gifted me a s e x toy instead of flowers on our first date. We’ve been in an open relationship now for five months and I’m still surprised by how much I’ve actually benefited from being in a relationship where s e x and BDSM has played such an important role. My confidence has grown in and out of the bedroom but despite our similar upbringings in white, middle class homes, we have little in common and realise that this isn’t forever. But that’s okay because I’m finally able to ask for what I want and that is something I’ll carry with me, whatever happens next.
Couple spooning in bed with hands clinched
Charlotte, 20,
“My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 17-years-old and this is our first long-term relationship, we are also each other’s first. Losing our virginity together made s e x a big part of our relationship, until six months in when my boyfriend had a miraculous experience with God. Unlike me, he’d grown up in a Christian household, but wasn’t a practising Christian until this experience left him convinced that God wanted him to practise the Christian faith.
This, combined with my interest in Christianity led us to decide to stop having s e x altogether. It may seem strange to stop having s e x if we technically already ‘had s e x before marriage’ but we decided that s e x had become a distraction and an addiction.
The decision we made two years ago has been profoundly good. We have grown stronger as a couple – as not having s e x has enabled us to focus on each other in an intellectually and emotionally intimate way which had been pushed aside before. I have learned to value my boyfriend for more than just his body, and him the same for me – which is why I won’t have s e x or any form of intercourse intimacy with my partner unless we get married. And despite the transition away from s e x being difficult, the joy of having God in my life has empowered me.
“For mine and his wellbeing, it’s best not to have gaps above 48 hours between s e x sessions
In terms of my nesting partner, our physical relationship goes through phases but having intercourse experiences with other people can actually be a good thing for our s e x life too – it forces us to keep things exciting. But while s e x is important in this relationship, it’s the deeper intimacy we share that is most important.
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